Like Rain on Parked Cars, Chapter 17 – Oprah, Johnnie Cochran, and I

Representation of domestic violence victim, Author Commonperson, (CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication)

WARNING:  Graphic Images

“He will redeem their life from oppression and violence; And precious shall be their blood in His sight” (Ps. 72: 14).

When years before the students in Aretha’s class were asked to imagine having lunch with three personalities of their choosing (living or dead), Aretha had named Oprah Winfrey, the Emmy winning talk show hostess; Johnnie Cochran, the criminal defense attorney renowned for his successful representation of OJ Simpson; and — of all people — me.

I most certainly did not belong in such exalted company.  In part because the Philadelphia economy was imploding, in part because my health was failing, in part because I was spending more and more time on clinic-related matters, I was struggling to make ends meet.

Battered Women’s Shelter

I did on occasion speak to small groups of lawyers or lay people about the law.  Several such instances found me at a North Philadelphia shelter for battered and abused women.  I was deeply moved by the experience.

There are no reporters in such places, no paparazzi.  Initially, I did not, myself, know what to expect.  I assumed, if anything, that I would pity these women.  That was not, however, the case.

Instead, I was in awe.

All Colors, Shapes, and Sizes

The women, themselves, came in all colors, shapes, and sizes.  Those I met ranged in age from their early twenties to mid-sixties.  Some were pretty and petite, others statuesque Amazons.

Some could barely make eye contact, were hesitant to speak.  Others had acquired a hardened demeanor or false bravura to hide their pain.

All were deeply concerned for the welfare and safety of their children.

We spoke about the fact that as many as 40% – 60% of the victims of domestic violence are battered during pregnancy; that 25% of the women attempting suicide have been victims of domestic abuse [1][2].

We spoke about the fact that boys raised in abusive households are ten times more likely to become abusive men; that girls are six times more likely to be sexually abused (or, themselves, become involved with abusive partners) [3].

We spoke about the spiritual issues faced by domestic abuse victims, and the practical means of making a new life.  We spoke about rebuilding self-esteem, and the lure of false hope that the abusive partner might “change.”

Beaten, Stabbed, and Burned

But, most of all, we spoke about the lives of these women.

They had been beaten, stabbed, burned, locked in, tied up, and chained down.  They had been criticized for being attractive and criticized for being unattractive, instructed what to wear, then punished for wearing it.  They had been struck by tire irons, and thrown out windows.

They had suffered broken hearts, broken dishes, and broken bones.

Isolated

Most had become increasingly isolated, deprived of external resources like jobs and bank accounts.

I learned this included emotional isolation from family members who frequently counseled these women to remain with abusive husbands and boyfriends, even when the nature of their abuse was revealed.

“He’s a good provider.  You won’t find better.”  “You probably made him angry.”  “After all, you’ve never been a good cook.  No wonder he threw the chicken against the wall.”  “You know you talk too much.  You’d aggravate anyone.”

To Match the Blood

To maintain her sanity, one woman said she tried to make a game of the abuse, going in search of red lingerie to match the blood.

At Risk

They knew their children were at risk, but risked losing their children by leaving.  They feared at times for their children’s lives, but were willing to die in their children’s place.

Inadequate Legal Relief

The legal system provided inadequate relief.  It could be life-threatening for a woman to contact police.  Too often, police treated the call for help as a routine squabble.  Protective Orders could be obtained through the courts, but were not always enforced.

Family Court

Though not a domestic relations attorney, I had been to Family Court for the legal clinic.  It reminded me of nothing so much as an ancient bazaar, merchants haggling.

The rooms were packed with unrepresented women and their children, all supplicants waiting their meager share of justice.  Some judges welcomed the few attorneys present; others seemed to despise attorneys.

The teenage son of one of my clients was determined to become a lawyer, himself.  At age fourteen, he was already jaded by the system, sure that he could master it.  Certain he could do no worse.

A Memento

On conclusion of the series of talks at the abuse shelter, the women there presented me with a small notebook of handwritten thanks and encouragement they had compiled for me.

I do not expect ever to be interviewed by Oprah.  But I cherish that memento as much as any Emmy.  Health issues have made it impossible for me to represent clients any longer.  But it remains my honor to speak for such women to the very best of my ability.

Little could I guess that Aretha would one day be among them.  She did not let me know this until much later.  Her relationship with the man had by then ended.

—

[1]  SafeLives, “IDVAs [Independent Domestic Violence Advisors] in maternity units”, https://safelives.org.uk/research-policy/health/idvas-in-maternity-units/.

[2]  National Institutes of Health, National Library of Medicine, National Center for Biotechnology Information, “Violence against women is strongly associated with suicide attempts:  evidence from the WHO multi-country study on women’s health and domestic violence against women” by Karen Devries, et al, 5/27/11, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21676510/.

[3]  US Dept. of Health and Human Services (HHS), Office of Asst. Secty. of Health (OASH), Office of Women and Children, “Effects of domestic violence on children”, 2/15/21, https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/effects-domestic-violence-children.

Copyright © 2010 – Present Anna Waldherr. All rights reserved.

 Originally posted 9/15/13 as To Match the Blood

READERS CAN FIND MY VIEWS ON ABUSE AND ABUSE-RELATED ISSUES AT ANNA WALDHERR A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse
https://avoicereclaimed.com