Like Rain on Parked Cars, Chapter 8 – One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Tug of War at Pep Rally, Author LemonLad1111111, (CC0 1.o Universal Public Dedication)

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of  the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places” (Eph. 6: 12).

A tug of war began for Aretha’s future.  Really, it had been going on from the start.  The staff at the group home, Aretha’s school counselors, her social worker, and I, all tried to get her to stay in Lansdale.  Aretha, who professed to hate West Philadelphia, ached to return there.

Oh, Aretha denied this, talked about making an idyllic life in the suburbs someday.  She could conjure up the vision of a rosy, if distant, future as a business lawyer – a big house with room enough for her entire family.  But she chafed at every restriction, fought every measure designed to help her adjust.

Divided Loyalties

Ruth understood.  She had seen this many times before.  Aretha’s loyalties were divided.

Much as Aretha scorned the area, some part of her felt that West Philadelphia was home.

She was not ungrateful, not unaware that the people around her were trying to help.  But Aretha did not feel a part of the white suburb, felt herself floundering at school, longed to return to familiar streets, familiar sights and sounds.  The very crickets were foreign to her.

She feared that she had abandoned her family and, in a sense, her cultural roots.

And Aretha worried, I think, that she would not be able to succeed in a white world.  To pursue the dream was to place it at risk of being destroyed.  Rather than that, Aretha would undermine her own progress.

She was not conscious of doing that, resisted taking responsibility for her actions, much as she might regret them in retrospect.  This caused erratic behavior.

Erratic Behavior

Aretha was vehemently opposed to drugs, but made excuses for a young dealer she knew, expressing the hope he would pursue a high school equivalency diploma.  I hesitated to ask too many questions, afraid I might push her away.

Aretha spoke scathingly of the inner city schools she had attended, but argued in favor of returning to West Philadelphia, in the certainty her grades would improve.

I explained that admissions counselors were aware suburban schools had higher standards, would take that into account.  Aretha would not be convinced.

I pointed out the limited resources of inner city schools, their outright dangers, the violence, the high dropout rates.  Aretha saw those disadvantages as an acceptable trade-off, if she could salvage her grades, and assured me she was determined never to drop out.

Aretha expressed no anxiety over a court hearing intended formally to terminate her mother’s parental rights.  So long as the actual relationship with her mother could be preserved, legal niceties meant very little.

In December of 2001, Aretha left me a phone message that she had been picked up by police for public intoxication.  When we did talk, Aretha was extremely remorseful over this incident, anxious that it might damage her chances for a legal career.

We spoke about long-term consequences of one’s actions.  I was more concerned for immediate consequences, the possibility she might have been raped or worse.

The following February, we attended a Christian hip hop concert together at my church.  The church was filled with young people, the music rhythmic and joyous.  Aretha seemed to enjoy herself.

Two weeks later, we talked about her results on recent pre-college tests.  Aretha was pleased with her verbal performance and writing skills.  She said, “I love you,” when we parted.

In March of 2002, Aretha and a male friend were briefly suspended from school for minor rough-housing.  Aretha attributed the suspension to bias on the part of security personnel.

Depressed, Aretha acknowledged having been rowdy, but felt her punishment excessive.  I encouraged her to prepare a written response, stating her position.  Aretha remained angry and bitter, became rebellious at the group home.

In April, more trouble occurred at school.  I learned of it second-hand, called the group home to ascertain Aretha’s whereabouts, only to be informed that she had dropped out of the program.

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